Just Any Other Day?

When someone has a birthday, friends and loved ones usually remember to wish them a happy birthday. When a couple has an anniversary, sometimes family and friends wish them a happy anniversary. On the anniversary of when someone dies, even fewer people remember. Perhaps they remember that sad day but avoid it because it's either too painful to deal with, or they don't want to create pain for those that love the one who is gone.

Some people (like myself) are good at remembering dates. We have calendars that help remind us. I can tell you many of the dates for friends' birthdays & anniversaries- even people I may not see anymore. While through the years I've gotten worse at calling, sending cards, or emailing people on their special days, I always remember them. I oftentimes remember the anniversary dates of the dates of family and friends, and sometimes I even contact their loved ones if I think it's appropriate.

(Note: I guess this is where my pity party begins. I'm not writing this for sympathy or to make people feel bad. I write this blog for me, so I can journal whatever is on my mind when I write.)

Today is my due date. Yes, the due date for the baby that Todd and I will never see. The date for the first baby we lost. It is the due date for what should have been a beautiful time in our lives. It is the due date for what should have been the beginning of our family. I mean, it would be inappropriate for me to run around like it was my birthday & say, "Oh - today was my due date!" Not that I really care any more, but that would make people uncomfortable. Instead, it's just another day. At least it is to everyone but me.

So today, I mourn our loss. I mourn what should have been and is not. I mourn that I can't really even tell anyone around me. I mourn that nobody even knows. And I mourn that I have to have this same damn kind of day in another 3 1/2 months. Today just sucks and I'm so sad.

Thanksgiving Recap

Our Thanksgiving day was wonderful with lots of family, friends, and food. Todd and I made the turkey & it received rave reviews. Below are two pictures. The first is a picture of Todd preparing the bird, with Steve ready for any possible morsel to fly from the counter and into his mouth. The dogs LOVE when I'm cooking Thanksgiving! The second photo is of "Uncle Todd the Super Carver" as I got my niece, Aeva, to call him. :)

Todd and I both enjoyed having some time away from school. The rejuvenation is always needed for us old, ragged teachers. We stayed busy at home, me painting and Todd doing other home projects. I'll have to post some before & after paint shots soon. I still need to finish our bathroom (both wet area and vanity), as well as some trim work. Boxes bearing Christmas decor are now scattered around the house waiting to find their seasonal home. The tree is ready and our outdoor decorations are a work in progress. I guess we have lots of pictures to post!

I hope everyone had a blessed Thanksgiving and are looking forward to the holidays ahead. Even though the Christmas season is a busy one, I hope we all take time to enjoy and appreciate our blessings - family, friends, freedom, employment, love, and God's grace.

Giving Thanks

While the past several months have been "not so good", I do have many things for which I can be thankful. I have a wonderful husband, amazing family, terrific friends, our beautiful pets, a merciful God, and a stable job. Are things perfect? No. Will they ever be? No.

So tomorrow, I will give thanks for what I DO have in my life and pray for the things I still want. Either way, I'll still get my turkey, dressing, pecan pie, and the Dallas Cowboys.

I mean, really . . . what else could a woman need?

It's Finally Time to Talk About It

I'm not going to go into an inordinate amount of detail about it (believe me - there's a LOT & this isn't much of it at all), but some of our friends and family know that we've had two miscarriages since our marriage began in March (one loss in April, the other in August). It has truly been the most difficult thing I have ever personally endured - physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I always thought that we would have difficulty getting pregnant. We've learned that's the easy part for us. Staying pregnant is what is so hard for us.

I haven't been able to talk about it or write about it all in detail to anyone so far. So many people want to talk about it with me, but I just don't want to. It's so incredibly hard to verbalize how completely devastated I have been. I have really needed time just to focus on what has happened, focus on my physical & emotional healing, and focus on my husband and our marriage. I know I've alienated several people in my life, but I hope that they can just understand that I need time. Much of my rambling here may appear to be somewhat surface - especially if those who read it have experienced pregnancy loss - but I'm not in the mood to get real emotional tonight. What I'm writing here may not mean anything to anyone but me, but hey, it's my blog & I'll write what I want. If nobody reads it, then fine. I'm writing it anyway!

Having two pregnancies and two miscarriages in the span of five short months has been complete hell on my body. My hormones have been completely out of whack and are still recovering. I've lost a ton of my hair. I never thought I would miss my long, curly (and sometimes unruly) hair, but I really, really do. My skin has become teenage-like and I've gained weight. My self-esteem is pretty much shit now because I don't think I look like me anymore. That may not be completely true, but it's very hard to look in the mirror. As tough as the physical trauma has been for me, the emotionally healing has been the hardest.

I wouldn't exactly call myself "healed", but I am finally to the point that I don't cry every day. I've never cried so often and so hard in my life (and those who know me know that I cry easily). I'm talking complete meltdowns that resulted in my eyes swollen shut, my upper lip swollen, nosebleeds & the like. After the first miscarriage in April, I hoped to make it one hour without crying. I eventually made it through several hours at once. After the second miscarriage in August, I just became numb for a while. In the times that I wasn't sad, I was angry as hell. Angry at every damn thing. Yep, just really effing pissed off because I had something taken from me TWICE and I couldn't understand what I had done to deserve this. I was also angry with God because He let it happen. All I could figure is that God was punishing me for something I had done in my past. I prayed and prayed for forgiveness, but when I lost our second baby, I figured that forgiveness was not due to me.

I've always tried to be a good person. I've never tried to intentionally hurt anyone. I've bent over backwards to help others often to the detriment of myself. I've made my share of stupid mistakes and poor choices, but I've never done anything that would deserve this. Why couldn't I just have a normal pregnancy like the rest of the world seems to have? When I experience difficulty, I try to figure out what I'm supposed to learn from it. God has a purpose for me, so what does the difficulty have to do with my overall purpose according to Him? I couldn't (and still can't) quite figure out what exactly I'm supposed to be "getting" from losing my babies. It has all seemed so surreal because I never thought it would happen to me.

Through all of this, one thing I have learned is that miscarriage is something not always discussed - until you're a part of the "club". Boy, once you have tragically earned this crappy membership, they start coming out of the woodwork. I know of friends and have met people who have been through multiple miscarriages, late-term loss, and stillbirths. I finally found a group of ladies that completely understand what I'm thinking and feeling (emotionally & physically) and know that it's normal. A majority of these women I have never met in person, but we know one another very well. We're all a part of this sick club that nobody wants to be a part of - ever.

Between our two miscarriages, I changed to a new OB/Gyn (after the 2nd pregnancy was underway). My first doctor was a complete ass, and I didn't feel comfortable with him at all like I had in years past (as a gyn patient). After meeting with "Dr. T" for the first time, I realized that God wasn't punishing me, but He needed me to change direction.

My new doctor, Dr. T, was personable, intelligent, eager, funny when appropriate, understanding, serious when needed, and professional. Dr. T took time to talk to Todd and me and get to know us as people. When we saw the heartbeat of our little fetus, Dr. T was excited. When I learned I was miscarrying for the second time, he hugged me as despair overtook me and I cried. He also assured me that we were going to move forward and find out why this was happening. And we did.

Most doctors wait until a woman has miscarried three times to perform testing. For a few different reasons, Dr. T wanted testing performed after my second loss. The testing is called "RPL" testing and is a panel to check four possible physiological issues that can cause miscarriage. My tests found that I have genetic mutation with the MTHFR gene.

MTHFR stands for methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase, though I think MTHFR is a highly appropriate abbreviation for a couple of reasons. ha! I have two copies of the gene which is called homozygous MTHFR. My body does not have the ability to metabolize folic acid, which is crucial to the fetal development in a successful pregnancy. It can also cause clotting issues. The homozygous MTHFR also deals with other physical issues, so I'm glad I know about it now. The treatment is very simple. I take 4 mg of folate per day (RDA is 1mg or less) and a baby aspirin as well to aid clotting.

Is treatment to my MTHFR mutation the cure-all that will insure I successfully carry a baby to term? No. There is no such treatment for anyone, any pregnancy. But at least we know have a helluva better chance than before. When we become pregnant again, I will be under close care through my doctor and through a perinatologist. I will be absolutely paranoid while pregnant but try to enjoy it. The worst part of being a miscarriage survivor is that you are immediately stripped of the joy and naivete' that comes with pregnancy.

I pray every day for Todd and me, for our families, friends, students, and colleagues, and for those people that I have not yet had the chance to meet. I also pray that God provides His healing, mercy, and grace for those in need. My specific prayer is that Todd and I can expand God's kingdom through Him allowing us to raise one of His angels as our child on Earth. We pray to have our dream come true - a beautiful, healthy baby. We don't care if we have boys or girls; we just want a family. We don't expect to magically become the best parents in the world because of what we've endured, but we do know that the appreciation of our future children will hold a little stronger in our hearts and our minds. So as I pray for all of you, I ask that you pray our specific prayer for us.

Our Weekend in Austin

We went to Austin this weekend to visit Pat & Linda (Todd's Dad and his wife). This was our first trip together to visit them in their new home. It's so nice to have them in Texas now! Pat & Linda are always such wonderful hosts, so as always, we had a wonderful and relaxing time. A couple of favorites from this trip were lunch at the newly renovated Oasis and meeting the new kitten, Kimora.

Lunch at The Oasis was awesome because the weather was perfect, food delicious, and margaritas tasty! Here's a shot of us standing off one of the 44 terraces that were built with the new restaurant.

Kimora is the latest addition to the Haney family. She is a ten-week old tabby/tortie kitten with lots of spunk. Kimora was spayed and declawed earlier this week, so she was sporting a lovely blue collar to keep her from biting her stitches. What a tiny, cute little kitty!

Now we are home after having eaten and drunk too much, so it's time to unpack and prepare ourselves for the upcoming week of teacher torture!

OH - and did you know four years ago today that Todd and I both met the person of our dreams? Yes, we met four years ago today! I love you, Todd!

Why I'm Still Teaching

I am very burned out with teaching right now. The demands from the state, the district, administration, parents and students often seem insurmountable. This is my tenth year of teaching (6th year this "round"), and the expectations and stress increase each year.

The main reason - and sometimes it feels like the only reason - I teach is because of the people with whom I teach. They are all amazing people. My new team of 5th grade teachers are wonderful to work with each day.

Tonight we had a celebration for the faculty and staff. A couple dozen of us enjoyed time at Main Event. We played arcade games, ate pizza, bowled, and played laser tag. It was such a fun time and a real relief just to be together outside the stresses of school.

Of course, MY laser tag team won both games we played! We were short one team member, but that did not take away from our skill level. I lost my voice from yelling and loudly squawking like a chicken to the other team. Let's just say I did better in laser tag than bowling. That's one course from college that didn't help me at all in real life! ;)

Here's a picture of the WINNERS. (The young girl on the R is a former student - not a teacher!)

Tonight renewed my commitment to the men and women at our school. Now, I just need to renew my commitment to my job. It's tough, but I know I can do it - with the help of those in the trenches with me.

OH YUM!

I've had a recipe for Garlic Cheddar Chicken for a while - and have seen & heard the raves for it online - but never made it for some unknown reason. Well, that changed last weekend. It was easy to make and SO DELICIOUS!!! Is it the healthiest entree on the planet? Uh, no, but man it's good! I served it with steamed asparagus to balance the nutritional values. You know, kind of like the Snickers and a Diet Coke effect. :) I asked Todd if he had any comments he'd like me to add to our blog and he said, "It's a really good recipe." A good man of few words.


GARLIC CHEDDAR CHICKEN
(picture kindly borrowed from Monika's Sushi & Chocolate website)

PREP TIME: 15 min. COOK TIME: 40 min. READY IN: 55 min.

NUTRITION INFORMATION
Servings Per Recipe: 8 (1 per chicken breast)
Amount Per ServingCalories: 407
Total Fat: 25.3g
Cholesterol: 130mg
Sodium: 577mg
Total Carbs: 8.5g
Dietary Fiber: 0.3g
Protein: 35.1g


INGREDIENTS
· 1/2 cup butter
· 4 cloves garlic, minced
· 3/4 cup dry bread crumbs
· 1/2 cup freshly grated Parmesan cheese
· 1 1/2 cups shredded Cheddar cheese
· 1/4 teaspoon dried parsley
· 1/4 teaspoon dried oregano
· 1/4 teaspoon ground black pepper
· 1/8 teaspoon salt
· 8 skinless, boneless chicken breast halves - pounded thin (I only used 3 large breasts & it was fine!)

DIRECTIONS
1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).
2. Melt the butter in a saucepan over low heat, and cook the garlic until tender, about 5 minutes.
3. In a shallow bowl, mix the bread crumbs, Parmesan cheese, Cheddar cheese, parsley, oregano, pepper, and salt.
4. Dip each chicken breast in the garlic butter to coat, then press into the bread crumb mixture. Arrange the coated chicken breasts in a 9x13 inch baking dish. Drizzle with any remaining butter and top with any remaining bread crumb mixture.
5. Bake 30 minutes in the preheated oven, or until chicken is no longer pink and juices run clear.