Still Here

Long time, no blog.  Todd and I have been so busy since the holiday season began.  We hosted Thanksgiving at our house - a sort of an open house style Thanksgiving - and had about twenty (20) people in and out through the day.  Then my great Aunt Rita passed away.  Then it was time for Christmas.  Between Christmas at my Dad's, starting our own, new Christmas Eve tradition, Christmas at my Mom's and trying to relax before New Year's Eve . . . it was 2012!

Starting January 2, we went back to school for what is always a crazy, stressful second semester.  Todd started his last semester of graduate school, I had a hysterectomy, the dogs destroyed all but one of our last living throw pillows, I hosted a gold & silver party (friends & I made great $$$), we saw my Dad & Marilynn perform in a local play, and best of all . . . my brother was FINALLY discharged from the hospital just three (3) days shy of six months there.

And WOW ---- it's February.  Todd is already in the throes of grad school, I'm taking a long time healing, the dogs are awesome as always, and we are patiently waiting to hear from our agency that a birthmother would like to meet us and allow us to adopt  her baby.

Nope . . . . . . not much going on around here!  Let us know how you all are doing (if you're still here!).  I'll try to get some pics uploaded of our latest life happenings.

Important Stuff - Naming Our Future Children

I found this photo while catching up on Google Reader and perusing the recipes on Pioneer Woman's Website, and it brought back many fond memories of planning my future when I was a child. Behold, Bob Barker and "Barker's Beauties." (**the angels begin to sing a beautiful tune**)

aaahhhh . . . My sisters and I used to spend an hour of each summer morning playing The Price is Right in our living room. I have always loved that game show and enjoyed watching Barker's Beauties (Dian, Holly & Janice for those of you who are still with me). In fact, I still watch on a rare occasion even though Bob and HIS beauties are no longer on the show. However, Janice was always my favorite. (And yeah, yeah, she was probably banging Bob. I know.) She even uses a heart in her signature as I often do.

When I asked Todd just now what he would say if I told him I'd like to name our first daughter Janice he responded, "That's interesting." In Todd-speak that means hell no, our first daughter will NOT be named Janice. And now, over 25 years later, I must agree with my husband. He is so smart and insightful.

And don't forget to spay & neuter your pets!

Rejoining Humanity

I mentioned in my long story post how my mom is such a wonderful nurse - and she is. But have I told you how wonderful Todd is? He's been so amazing, sweet, caring, and helpful. There's no way I could have made it the past few days without my incredible husband.

Saturday was not a fun day. We went for a walk & I only made it about 1/2 a block. That night I was fighting pain & not wanting to take more drugs. Todd told me I was being "unreasonable" and hunted down my bottle of pain pills. Yesterday was better but not great. My bloating has decreased some - so much that I found yet another small incision hole. Surprise! After I was back in bed by noon for a nap, Todd looked at me & said, "I just don't see how you'll make it at work tomorrow." I honestly didn't see it either. So, today I'm at home.

I couldn't sleep last night after one pain pill, so I popped another & slept nine hours. :) I even slept on my side for the last hour or so & that was sheer bliss. I was able to get out of bed without moaning & groaning, so that's progress too. My beloved Stevie is sleeping on the bed next to me but has been so good & not tried to paw at me, hug me, or climb on top of me. I've missed cuddling with my baby dog, so I'm looking forward to that!

There is light at the end of my uterus . . .

Story Time!

Sorry I haven't been Kristin-on-the-spot with updating this blog, but too bad. I've been tired, sore, and drugged. However, in true blogger's fashion, Ill try to tell you about the blur the past few days have been. (Disclaimer: between my pain meds & my laptop having a mind of its own, please excuse any errors.)

Everyone get some popcorn & get comfortable. I'm going to tell you a story. Please . . . no cell phones, no pagers, and no crying babies. Featuring:

A Storm, A Runaway, A Nurse, A Silver-Legged Robot, Some Surgery, A Comic, A Horse, Party Pics . . . and a Wasted Egg

Wednesday night

STORM . . . Everyone in the metroplex knows what bad storms we had that night. I didn't sleep from 3-5am while waiting for the sounds of freight trains (aka tornadoes). We didn't get hit - just lost some branches so we were lucky. Mother Nature is nuts.

Thursday

RUNAWAY . . . My mom came to pick me up & when she opened the door, Steve ran for the hills. Luckily, the storm had tree branches & stuff scattered everywhere, so he didn't get too far. Unluckily, she tried to chase him down. I was getting dressed, so I finally figured it all out & got him into the house.

NURSE . . . Thankfully, my mom (who is a nurse) took me to the hospital & stayed with me through the afternoon and evening. She helped keep me calm, entertain me, speak medical jargon, dress me, feed me, and nurse me. My mom is really the best nurse ever.

SILVER-LEGGED ROBOT . . . That would be me, the main character of this story. For some reason, I was given the largest hospital gown ever known to mankind. Mom & I got a kick out of it. I was also given silver legging things to wear during surgery. Yep, I looked like a freak. What else is new? The entertainment of looking like a silver-legged robot provided us some relief from the nervousness I was feeling.

SOME SURGERY . . . My surgery lasted about two hours. My awesome OB/Gyn did some "spelunking" around my uterus & tubes (hysteroscopy, laproscopy & chromotubal thing). All clear! Dr. T. removed a large fibroid inside my uterus, burned two on the outside of my uterus, and - to all of our surprise - removed a lot of endometriosis none of us knew I had (endometrial biopsy & ablation). He noticed a large corpus luteum (it's an egg!) preparing to release. The doctor said I'm fertile, but he definitely wants me on blood thinner injections for our next pregnancy.

COMIC . . . That's my awesome Doctor. After my surgery, he found my mom in the waiting room to tell her that my surgery went well. The conversation went something like this:
Dr. - "She did great! Well, actually she was asleep the whole time. I did great!" Yeah, he's funny. I guess he did do a great job, though.

HORSE . . . That would be me again. When I woke up in Recovery, I was in a lot of pain. They pumped me with some more pain meds and eventually moved me back to my room around 3:30 (my surgery started at noon). I was still in pain, so I was given more drugs. Then, I got cut off like a drunk chick in a bar. Okay, so that's giving up to much of my past. :)

I apparently had been given Demerol, 18mg of Morphine, some Toradal, and one Percoset. Yes, I was drugged almost enough to put a horse down! When they told me I'd have to be admitted if my pain couldn't get under control, I sped up my recovery. I still felt awful, but my pain level suddenly dropped to a two. Time to drink something, go to the bathroom & go home.

PARTY PICS . . . My comedian/doctor left my mom all sorts of pictures of my insides and things he did to them. They looked interesting after lots of drugs, but they're kinda gross now.

My mom and I got home around 7:00 that night, so it made for a long day. I proceeded to vomit upon getting home, and then was able to get some soup down. I was getting hungry and dehydrated after no food for 24 hours.

WASTED EGG . . . Dr. T. said that I would not be on any kind of pelvic rest after my surgery. Considering I have three small incisions & an EXTREMELY bloated stomach that would beat out any beer gut or any 5-month pregnant woman, I think that big egg the doctor mentioned will just go to waste. I wish he could have just saved that egg for later, but thankfully my body seems to make enough for now.

I would offer you a "The End" now, but I'm hoping this is "The Beginning" for us. The beginning of my body functioning properly, the beginning of us not only getting pregnant but STAYING pregnant. Now THAT will be a story to beat all stories!

Time for another pain pill and some sleep. I hope.

My EHLCABCXYZ Surgery

My friend Jess calls it that, but it's really just "EHLC" + something else I don't know how to spell. We'll just call it "surgery" for now since that's easier to type and say!

My surgery is scheduled for Thursday at noon. No food/drink after midnight, check in at 10am, surgery at noon, in OR for about twoish hours, recovery, go home . I know how outpatient surgery often works, so I hope to be out of there before the end of the night! Luckily I'll have my own personal outpatient surgery nurse (a.k.a. my Mom) with me.

So, what is EHLC? I thought you'd never ask! If you are sensitive about girlie stuff, stop reading now. Some of you can handle it all (shout out to Newtie)!
E = endometrial biopsy (biopsy of my endometrial/uterine lining)
H = hysteroscopy (an inside tour of my parts)
L = laparoscopy (an inside tour of my parts laparoscopically)
C = chromotubal-blahblahblah (shooting dye through my tubes to check for blockage)
There is one more part where radio frequency will be used to remove a fibroid from my uterus. The uterus is about the size of a fist, and the fibroid is about 35mm x 24mm which is a decent size. I just hope my hooha doesn't start playing music or need the station changed when commercials play. That would be a little uncomfortable for me - especially in public situations.

Tomorrow I have to go by the hospital for my pre-op bloodwork. It'll be a rush getting out of school on time and racing to the other side of town, but I'll be there. I have been vampired more in the past year than I probably have in my entire life, and honestly, I'm sick of it. WHEN (not if) we get pregnant again, I'll be on daily shots of Lovenox (a blood thinner), so I might as well be all friendly with the needles now.

To add insult to injury, I got another pre-surgery deposit statement from the doctor. So far I'm out $2300 and that's just the beginning. It think it's cheaper to have a baby than not to have one.

All in all, we'd go through needle sticks, surgery, money, or whatever we can if in the end we have a healthy baby in our arms. It's just the beginning of the sacrifice and love called parenthood.

Oh, and did I tell you that I'm really scared? Uh, yeah. Really. Can I get an IV now?

Just Any Other Day?

When someone has a birthday, friends and loved ones usually remember to wish them a happy birthday. When a couple has an anniversary, sometimes family and friends wish them a happy anniversary. On the anniversary of when someone dies, even fewer people remember. Perhaps they remember that sad day but avoid it because it's either too painful to deal with, or they don't want to create pain for those that love the one who is gone.

Some people (like myself) are good at remembering dates. We have calendars that help remind us. I can tell you many of the dates for friends' birthdays & anniversaries- even people I may not see anymore. While through the years I've gotten worse at calling, sending cards, or emailing people on their special days, I always remember them. I oftentimes remember the anniversary dates of the dates of family and friends, and sometimes I even contact their loved ones if I think it's appropriate.

(Note: I guess this is where my pity party begins. I'm not writing this for sympathy or to make people feel bad. I write this blog for me, so I can journal whatever is on my mind when I write.)

Today is my due date. Yes, the due date for the baby that Todd and I will never see. The date for the first baby we lost. It is the due date for what should have been a beautiful time in our lives. It is the due date for what should have been the beginning of our family. I mean, it would be inappropriate for me to run around like it was my birthday & say, "Oh - today was my due date!" Not that I really care any more, but that would make people uncomfortable. Instead, it's just another day. At least it is to everyone but me.

So today, I mourn our loss. I mourn what should have been and is not. I mourn that I can't really even tell anyone around me. I mourn that nobody even knows. And I mourn that I have to have this same damn kind of day in another 3 1/2 months. Today just sucks and I'm so sad.

It's Finally Time to Talk About It

I'm not going to go into an inordinate amount of detail about it (believe me - there's a LOT & this isn't much of it at all), but some of our friends and family know that we've had two miscarriages since our marriage began in March (one loss in April, the other in August). It has truly been the most difficult thing I have ever personally endured - physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I always thought that we would have difficulty getting pregnant. We've learned that's the easy part for us. Staying pregnant is what is so hard for us.

I haven't been able to talk about it or write about it all in detail to anyone so far. So many people want to talk about it with me, but I just don't want to. It's so incredibly hard to verbalize how completely devastated I have been. I have really needed time just to focus on what has happened, focus on my physical & emotional healing, and focus on my husband and our marriage. I know I've alienated several people in my life, but I hope that they can just understand that I need time. Much of my rambling here may appear to be somewhat surface - especially if those who read it have experienced pregnancy loss - but I'm not in the mood to get real emotional tonight. What I'm writing here may not mean anything to anyone but me, but hey, it's my blog & I'll write what I want. If nobody reads it, then fine. I'm writing it anyway!

Having two pregnancies and two miscarriages in the span of five short months has been complete hell on my body. My hormones have been completely out of whack and are still recovering. I've lost a ton of my hair. I never thought I would miss my long, curly (and sometimes unruly) hair, but I really, really do. My skin has become teenage-like and I've gained weight. My self-esteem is pretty much shit now because I don't think I look like me anymore. That may not be completely true, but it's very hard to look in the mirror. As tough as the physical trauma has been for me, the emotionally healing has been the hardest.

I wouldn't exactly call myself "healed", but I am finally to the point that I don't cry every day. I've never cried so often and so hard in my life (and those who know me know that I cry easily). I'm talking complete meltdowns that resulted in my eyes swollen shut, my upper lip swollen, nosebleeds & the like. After the first miscarriage in April, I hoped to make it one hour without crying. I eventually made it through several hours at once. After the second miscarriage in August, I just became numb for a while. In the times that I wasn't sad, I was angry as hell. Angry at every damn thing. Yep, just really effing pissed off because I had something taken from me TWICE and I couldn't understand what I had done to deserve this. I was also angry with God because He let it happen. All I could figure is that God was punishing me for something I had done in my past. I prayed and prayed for forgiveness, but when I lost our second baby, I figured that forgiveness was not due to me.

I've always tried to be a good person. I've never tried to intentionally hurt anyone. I've bent over backwards to help others often to the detriment of myself. I've made my share of stupid mistakes and poor choices, but I've never done anything that would deserve this. Why couldn't I just have a normal pregnancy like the rest of the world seems to have? When I experience difficulty, I try to figure out what I'm supposed to learn from it. God has a purpose for me, so what does the difficulty have to do with my overall purpose according to Him? I couldn't (and still can't) quite figure out what exactly I'm supposed to be "getting" from losing my babies. It has all seemed so surreal because I never thought it would happen to me.

Through all of this, one thing I have learned is that miscarriage is something not always discussed - until you're a part of the "club". Boy, once you have tragically earned this crappy membership, they start coming out of the woodwork. I know of friends and have met people who have been through multiple miscarriages, late-term loss, and stillbirths. I finally found a group of ladies that completely understand what I'm thinking and feeling (emotionally & physically) and know that it's normal. A majority of these women I have never met in person, but we know one another very well. We're all a part of this sick club that nobody wants to be a part of - ever.

Between our two miscarriages, I changed to a new OB/Gyn (after the 2nd pregnancy was underway). My first doctor was a complete ass, and I didn't feel comfortable with him at all like I had in years past (as a gyn patient). After meeting with "Dr. T" for the first time, I realized that God wasn't punishing me, but He needed me to change direction.

My new doctor, Dr. T, was personable, intelligent, eager, funny when appropriate, understanding, serious when needed, and professional. Dr. T took time to talk to Todd and me and get to know us as people. When we saw the heartbeat of our little fetus, Dr. T was excited. When I learned I was miscarrying for the second time, he hugged me as despair overtook me and I cried. He also assured me that we were going to move forward and find out why this was happening. And we did.

Most doctors wait until a woman has miscarried three times to perform testing. For a few different reasons, Dr. T wanted testing performed after my second loss. The testing is called "RPL" testing and is a panel to check four possible physiological issues that can cause miscarriage. My tests found that I have genetic mutation with the MTHFR gene.

MTHFR stands for methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase, though I think MTHFR is a highly appropriate abbreviation for a couple of reasons. ha! I have two copies of the gene which is called homozygous MTHFR. My body does not have the ability to metabolize folic acid, which is crucial to the fetal development in a successful pregnancy. It can also cause clotting issues. The homozygous MTHFR also deals with other physical issues, so I'm glad I know about it now. The treatment is very simple. I take 4 mg of folate per day (RDA is 1mg or less) and a baby aspirin as well to aid clotting.

Is treatment to my MTHFR mutation the cure-all that will insure I successfully carry a baby to term? No. There is no such treatment for anyone, any pregnancy. But at least we know have a helluva better chance than before. When we become pregnant again, I will be under close care through my doctor and through a perinatologist. I will be absolutely paranoid while pregnant but try to enjoy it. The worst part of being a miscarriage survivor is that you are immediately stripped of the joy and naivete' that comes with pregnancy.

I pray every day for Todd and me, for our families, friends, students, and colleagues, and for those people that I have not yet had the chance to meet. I also pray that God provides His healing, mercy, and grace for those in need. My specific prayer is that Todd and I can expand God's kingdom through Him allowing us to raise one of His angels as our child on Earth. We pray to have our dream come true - a beautiful, healthy baby. We don't care if we have boys or girls; we just want a family. We don't expect to magically become the best parents in the world because of what we've endured, but we do know that the appreciation of our future children will hold a little stronger in our hearts and our minds. So as I pray for all of you, I ask that you pray our specific prayer for us.