It's Finally Time to Talk About It

I'm not going to go into an inordinate amount of detail about it (believe me - there's a LOT & this isn't much of it at all), but some of our friends and family know that we've had two miscarriages since our marriage began in March (one loss in April, the other in August). It has truly been the most difficult thing I have ever personally endured - physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I always thought that we would have difficulty getting pregnant. We've learned that's the easy part for us. Staying pregnant is what is so hard for us.

I haven't been able to talk about it or write about it all in detail to anyone so far. So many people want to talk about it with me, but I just don't want to. It's so incredibly hard to verbalize how completely devastated I have been. I have really needed time just to focus on what has happened, focus on my physical & emotional healing, and focus on my husband and our marriage. I know I've alienated several people in my life, but I hope that they can just understand that I need time. Much of my rambling here may appear to be somewhat surface - especially if those who read it have experienced pregnancy loss - but I'm not in the mood to get real emotional tonight. What I'm writing here may not mean anything to anyone but me, but hey, it's my blog & I'll write what I want. If nobody reads it, then fine. I'm writing it anyway!

Having two pregnancies and two miscarriages in the span of five short months has been complete hell on my body. My hormones have been completely out of whack and are still recovering. I've lost a ton of my hair. I never thought I would miss my long, curly (and sometimes unruly) hair, but I really, really do. My skin has become teenage-like and I've gained weight. My self-esteem is pretty much shit now because I don't think I look like me anymore. That may not be completely true, but it's very hard to look in the mirror. As tough as the physical trauma has been for me, the emotionally healing has been the hardest.

I wouldn't exactly call myself "healed", but I am finally to the point that I don't cry every day. I've never cried so often and so hard in my life (and those who know me know that I cry easily). I'm talking complete meltdowns that resulted in my eyes swollen shut, my upper lip swollen, nosebleeds & the like. After the first miscarriage in April, I hoped to make it one hour without crying. I eventually made it through several hours at once. After the second miscarriage in August, I just became numb for a while. In the times that I wasn't sad, I was angry as hell. Angry at every damn thing. Yep, just really effing pissed off because I had something taken from me TWICE and I couldn't understand what I had done to deserve this. I was also angry with God because He let it happen. All I could figure is that God was punishing me for something I had done in my past. I prayed and prayed for forgiveness, but when I lost our second baby, I figured that forgiveness was not due to me.

I've always tried to be a good person. I've never tried to intentionally hurt anyone. I've bent over backwards to help others often to the detriment of myself. I've made my share of stupid mistakes and poor choices, but I've never done anything that would deserve this. Why couldn't I just have a normal pregnancy like the rest of the world seems to have? When I experience difficulty, I try to figure out what I'm supposed to learn from it. God has a purpose for me, so what does the difficulty have to do with my overall purpose according to Him? I couldn't (and still can't) quite figure out what exactly I'm supposed to be "getting" from losing my babies. It has all seemed so surreal because I never thought it would happen to me.

Through all of this, one thing I have learned is that miscarriage is something not always discussed - until you're a part of the "club". Boy, once you have tragically earned this crappy membership, they start coming out of the woodwork. I know of friends and have met people who have been through multiple miscarriages, late-term loss, and stillbirths. I finally found a group of ladies that completely understand what I'm thinking and feeling (emotionally & physically) and know that it's normal. A majority of these women I have never met in person, but we know one another very well. We're all a part of this sick club that nobody wants to be a part of - ever.

Between our two miscarriages, I changed to a new OB/Gyn (after the 2nd pregnancy was underway). My first doctor was a complete ass, and I didn't feel comfortable with him at all like I had in years past (as a gyn patient). After meeting with "Dr. T" for the first time, I realized that God wasn't punishing me, but He needed me to change direction.

My new doctor, Dr. T, was personable, intelligent, eager, funny when appropriate, understanding, serious when needed, and professional. Dr. T took time to talk to Todd and me and get to know us as people. When we saw the heartbeat of our little fetus, Dr. T was excited. When I learned I was miscarrying for the second time, he hugged me as despair overtook me and I cried. He also assured me that we were going to move forward and find out why this was happening. And we did.

Most doctors wait until a woman has miscarried three times to perform testing. For a few different reasons, Dr. T wanted testing performed after my second loss. The testing is called "RPL" testing and is a panel to check four possible physiological issues that can cause miscarriage. My tests found that I have genetic mutation with the MTHFR gene.

MTHFR stands for methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase, though I think MTHFR is a highly appropriate abbreviation for a couple of reasons. ha! I have two copies of the gene which is called homozygous MTHFR. My body does not have the ability to metabolize folic acid, which is crucial to the fetal development in a successful pregnancy. It can also cause clotting issues. The homozygous MTHFR also deals with other physical issues, so I'm glad I know about it now. The treatment is very simple. I take 4 mg of folate per day (RDA is 1mg or less) and a baby aspirin as well to aid clotting.

Is treatment to my MTHFR mutation the cure-all that will insure I successfully carry a baby to term? No. There is no such treatment for anyone, any pregnancy. But at least we know have a helluva better chance than before. When we become pregnant again, I will be under close care through my doctor and through a perinatologist. I will be absolutely paranoid while pregnant but try to enjoy it. The worst part of being a miscarriage survivor is that you are immediately stripped of the joy and naivete' that comes with pregnancy.

I pray every day for Todd and me, for our families, friends, students, and colleagues, and for those people that I have not yet had the chance to meet. I also pray that God provides His healing, mercy, and grace for those in need. My specific prayer is that Todd and I can expand God's kingdom through Him allowing us to raise one of His angels as our child on Earth. We pray to have our dream come true - a beautiful, healthy baby. We don't care if we have boys or girls; we just want a family. We don't expect to magically become the best parents in the world because of what we've endured, but we do know that the appreciation of our future children will hold a little stronger in our hearts and our minds. So as I pray for all of you, I ask that you pray our specific prayer for us.