Trash Your Marriage

My friend Sarah posted the following article on FB today, and since I really liked it, I wanted to share it. Getting married is very easy, while staying married and remaining happy and fulfilled in marriage is the most difficult part. As husbands and wives, we become so close to one another that we often take each other and our relationship for granted.

Maybe we aren't meeting the needs of our spouse as well as not meeting the needs of ourselves. Maybe we speak to one another in ways that we wouldn't ever speak to others. Maybe our own baggage is getting in the way of being a part of a healthy relationship.

It could be so many things (too many to list here!). This article - whether or not you are a Christian - gives you words to think about by telling you the best ways to "trash" your marriage and giving you several ways to build it up instead.

The article looks lengthy, but it is an easy read. And definitely worth the time.

Published on Bible.org (http://bible.org)

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Trash Your Marriage in 8 Easy Steps
By Sue Bohlin
Created 09/20/2009

The divorce rate is at an all-time high, and marriages are falling apart everywhere you look. Marriages of church-going people are crashing and burning especially fast. There are forces in our culture that contribute to marriage stresses such as pornography, the prevalence of drivenness, two-career families, and the dynamics of the blended family. But people also make foolish choices to destroy their marriages from within.

Talking about the family, Proverbs 14:1 says, "The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands." Ephesians 5:28 exhorts husbands to love their wives as their own bodies, nourishing and cherishing them. God's plan is that we treasure and cultivate our marriages, but it's very easy to trash them instead. Let's take a tongue-in-cheek look at eight ways that people trash their marriages.


Be Selfish

The first step is to be selfish. My pastor once said that the AIDS of marriage is justified self-centeredness. Everything needs to revolve around you because, let's face it, you are at the center of the universe, right? If you find something you like to do that ignores your spouses' feelings and interests, go ahead and do it! Too bad if they don't like it! You only go around once in life, so grab for all the gusto you can get!

Always insist on having things your own way. If you don't get your own way, throw a tantrum. Or freeze your spouse out. Get your kids involved in this game by saying things like, "Would you please ask your father to pass the salt?" Don't be afraid to withhold sex if your spouse isn't letting you have things your own way. There's a lot of power in that, so don't waste it!

If there's only enough money in your budget for what one of you wants, make sure you get what you want. Especially if you're the wage earner, or if you make more than the other. Money is power, and don't be afraid to use it against your spouse!

Make demands instead of requests. Wives, let your husband know that he will do things your way, or you'll make his life miserable. Husbands, when you want your wife to do something, just tell her to do it. "Please" and "thank you" are for the kids. This is your spouse you're talking about—they don't need it. Save all your courtesy for strangers; don't waste it on the person you said you'd spend the rest of your life with.

What we really mean to say:

Selfishness is guaranteed to hurt marriages, so ask for God's help in putting your husband or wife ahead of yourself so you don't trash your marriage.


Pick at Each Other

The second step is to pick at each other. If you know that something you do annoys your spouse, be sure to do it often. And intentionally. When she complains about it, tell her to buzz off, it's not as annoying as the stupid things she does to bug you. The more childish the annoying habit, the better.

Be critical of the smallest thing the other one says and does. Don't let your spouse get away with anything! Stay vigilant for every little offense. Be sure to address these small details with an air of superiority . . . unless it works better for you to act like a martyr, as if you deserve the Nobel Prize for putting up with someone who doesn't squeeze the toothpaste from the end.

Always get the last word when you're arguing. Dr. Phil McGraw has said that the most accurate predictor of divorce is when people don't allow their partners to retreat with dignity. So make your spouse feel whipped and defeated at the end of a fight. As long as you win, that's what matters.

Let The Kids Be More Important

A third step to trashing your marriage is to let the kids become more important than your spouse. Moms, make your husband feel left out of the intimate, secret relationship between you and your baby. As the baby grows, continue to draw the line where it's you and your child on one side, your husband on the other. Keep your Mommy hat on all day and all night. Your kids don't care if your hair is brushed and if you put on perfume and a little makeup before Daddy comes home, so why should he?

Dads, invest all your energies into making your child succeed at what he's good at, or what you want him to be good at. Squeeze out Mom so that you will be your kid's favorite parent. Work so hard on homework and school projects that there's no time for family time.

Let the kids and your other priorities crowd out your "alone together" time. Date nights are for unmarried people! In order to be fulfilled as a person, it is essential to invest all your energies in parenting, career, housework, church commitments and hobbies, so don't worry if there isn't enough time left over for the two of you. It's no big deal. There's always tomorrow. Or next year.

What we really mean to say:

Hey! If you find yourself doing these things, stop! You don't have to trash your marriage!


Show Disrespect

Show disrespect for your spouse, especially in public. One of the best ways to disrespect your partner is ugly name-calling, especially about things he or she can't change. However, the old standbys of "stupid," "fat," "ugly," "weak," and "loser" are always effective, too.

Complain about your spouse to your friends. It's even more powerful if you do it in front of your spouse. Then, if he objects, punch him in the arm and say, "I'm just kidding! You take everything so seriously!"

There are a number of ways to show disrespect with nonverbal communication. Roll your eyes, cluck your tongue, narrow your eyes in contempt. The heavy sigh is a real winner, too.

Wives: Straighten out your husband when he makes a mistake, especially in front of others. Lecture him. Ridicule him: his feelings, his behavior, his dreams, his thoughts. Do everything you can to emasculate your husband. Husbands: Let your wife know you think your opinion is better than hers. Interrupt her when she's speaking.


Refuse to Meet Emotional Needs

Another easy way to trash your marriage is to refuse to meet your spouse's emotional needs. Men and women need different things from their life partners. Dr. Willard Harley discovered and examined a pattern in his excellent book His Needs, Her Needs. Husbands' top needs, it turns out, are: first of all sexual fulfillment; second, recreational companionship; third, an attractive spouse; fourth, domestic support; and fifth, admiration. Wives, if you want to trash your marriage, ignore his need for sex and that you be there for him in leisure time. Blow off his desire that you look your best and he can be proud that you're his wife. Make your home as stressful and chaotic as you can, and never, ever tell him what you admire about him.

Wives' top needs are: first of all affection; second conversations; third, honesty and openness; fourth, financial commitment; and fifth, family commitment. So guys, if you want to trash your marriage, don't show your wife you love and appreciate her. Don't talk to her. Close off your heart to her. Make her constantly worry about finances. Don't be a faithful husband and father.

Dr. Harley's got a Web site, MarriageBuilders.com [1], that has a lot of good, practical information for building strong marriages, so you'd better stay away from there if you're not interested in being intentional and constructive!

Remember, we're being tongue-in-cheek here. We want you to build your marriage, not trash it!

Treat Your Friends Better than Your Spouse

The sixth easy step to trashing your marriage is to treat your friends better than your spouse. Since a lot of men unfortunately don't even have friends, this is something women tend to do more. Women know how to treat their girlfriends. They call them up just to encourage them. They drop off flowers for no reason. They send them cards, and they listen intently to whatever's going on in their lives. They are emotionally invested in their friends. They are quick to mention when someone looks nice or does something well because women are usually good at affirming each other. If you want to trash your marriage, don't do any of these thoughtful kindnesses for your husband. If your girlfriend is having a bad day, go out of your way to take her a wonderful casserole and fresh salad and dessert . . . but serve your husband Spaghetti-O's.

But husbands, if your wife needs you for something at home, and your buddy scores some tickets to a game, tell your wife "too bad, so sad." After all, she'll be around forever but tonight's hockey game won't. If someone at church or in the neighborhood needs something fixed, drop everything to take care of it, even if it means that the broken things around your house will continue to go unfixed.


Be a Pansy

Step number seven for trashing your marriage has two parts. Husbands, be a pansy. Retreat into the safety of passivity. Refuse to take initiative or responsibility in making plans or suggestions. That way, when things go wrong, you can say, "Don't blame me! It's not my fault!" These are great ways to trash your marriage.


Be His Mother

Wives, be a mother to your husband. When people ask how many children you have, say things like, "Two—three, if you count my husband." Tell him to wear a coat when it's cold and take an umbrella when it's raining, because he can't figure it out on his own. Be sure to say "I told you so" as often as possible. If he is passive or irresponsible, jump in and rescue him so he won't have to deal with the consequences of his own choices. Make sure he feels three years old. Tell him how to live his life, down to the smallest detail.


What we really mean to say:

Please, if you find yourself doing these things, ask for God's help in being constructive instead of destructive. We want to help you build your marriage, not trash it.


When You're Angry, Blow Up

Let's talk about one final way to trash your marriage. Yell and scream, or quietly say hurtful words; it doesn't matter. Inflicting pain is the important thing. Call each other names in the heat of your emotion. Dredge up the past and bring up old hurts. You can hit or slap with words as well as with hands, and they each leave a different kind of lasting damage to your spouse and to your marriage. Losing control when you're angry is a powerful way to hurt your spouse.


Build Your Marriage in Eight Harder Steps

Well, enough of ways to trash your marriage—how about eight steps to build it? All we have to do is look at the opposite of this article's negative, destructive steps.

To build your marriage, fight selfishness by developing a servant's heart. Commit yourself to acting in your spouse's best interests. Do at least one unselfish deed for your husband or wife every day.

Second, instead of picking at each other, choose to let things go. Be grace-givers. Remember that "love covers a multitude of sins" (1 Pet. 4:8).

Third, be intentional in keeping your marriage at the center of your family. Have regular date nights, and schedule times away to invest in the intimacy of your relationship. Go to a FamilyLife Marriage Conference (www.familylife.com [2]).

Fourth, commit to actively be respectful to your spouse by never saying anything negative to other people. Be kind in your words and actions. Treat each other as courteously and with the kind of honor you would bestow on a stranger or a dear friend.

Fifth, talk about your spouse's particular emotional needs [3]. Read Willard Harley's excellent book His Needs, Her Needs. Find out which ones are most important to your partner, and do everything in your power to meet them.

Sixth, treat your husband or wife at least as well as you treat your friends. Be as thoughtful and encouraging and affirming as you can possibly be.

Seventh: Ladies, resign as your husband's mother. You married an adult; treat him with the respect an adult deserves. Men: Your wife needs a servant-leader—someone who refuses either passivity or tyranny—to love her as Christ loves the church.

And last, when you're angry, express it wisely and constructively. Use words like "I'm angry about this" instead of yelling or hurtful silence. If you're too mad to speak with self-control, wait till you cool down. And don't go to bed without dealing with the situation (Eph. 4:26).


You don't have to trash your marriage. You can treasure it instead.

© 2003 Probe Ministries
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Source URL: http://bible.org/article/trash-your-marriage-8-easy-steps
Links:
[1] http://www.marriagebuilders.com
[2] http://www.familylife.com
[3] http://bible.org/www.probe.org/site/c.fdKEIMNsEoG/b.4219465/k.CB69/Adultery.htm%2523preventing

Photos & a Photo Crasher

My BIL and his friendgirl/girlfriend/untitledawesomefriend came to visit us the last weekend of August. We had a great time and stayed busy! We had two happy hours, a few meals out, football and the dog park. "K" (the friendgirl) is a shutterbug like this K is (another reason I like her!), and sent us a CD of all of the images.

Here are a few from the dog park. It was a great time because all of the dogs were calm and behaved, so not even Steve got in trouble.

Todd fills up the baby pool under the fountain. Steve is the white pup near Todd.

While Todd adds water, a poochie decides to take a dip. Steve is the white butt on the left.

Love that puppy enjoying the pool. Steve (white butt on the left) is scared of water (chicken dog!), so he gets a drink instead. God forbid Steve not be near his dad when other dogs are there.


Mackey likes the dog park for all of maybe five minutes, so he hangs with Dad and Uncle Tim for a while.

You already know that we went to a preseason Cowboys game at the new stadium. "K" got a couple of neat shots of the stadium, Todd & Tim, and the big screen.

View of the stadium during our mile-hike to get there.


The brothers. I like this picture. Todd does not. I write and read this blog. Todd does not. Picture stays. :)

A view from the ground up. I swear our seats were at the very, very top up there (or higher!). They had to be.

Wonder if Tim took this shot of the big screen? When closeups of the cheerleaders were shown, I told Todd that I've never seen such big boobs in my life.

We also asked a stranger take a group shot of the four of us.

Anyone have a clue who the photo crasher is between Tim & me? WTH? Get out of our picture!

New Blog for Kelsey

Please check out Patti's new blog for Kelsey and their family. The UP Family

Kelsey had a tough day today, so go by when you can and share some love with them. Your continued prayers are appreciated.

Challenges & The Poor New Girl

Today, we had a new student join our class. First of all, I was never the "new kid." I was blessed enough to be raised with the same kids from before pre-school through high school graduation. I have no personal experience with being the new kid in a new class of a new school. But being a teacher, I see it often.

The entire fourth grade (over 70 kids plus several teachers) was stuffed into the computer lab for technology camp. That was challenge #1. Being a rainy morning, the kids were extra chatty today, so it was noisy. My poor new student probably wondered what she was walking into at first. She came in a bit hesitant and shy, and I instantly felt for her. Well, that's when the fun began.

Within a very short time, we had challenge #2 - a fire drill. Shuttling sardines out of a can full of computer equipment and chairs would be a good description of what happened. I'm surprised we made it out between all of the chairs, kids, one child with a walker, several teachers, and only one door . While that isn't miraculous, it was a challenge.

Enter challenge #3. Rain. Yep, it was raining outside. And we were standing in it waiting for the okay to return. Oh geez.

Due to our schedule, the class doesn't go back to our classroom until noon. The new girl had been in school for hours without even seeing her class. We returned for only 30 minutes before leaving the room again for recess. Time for challenge #4. A student with special needs was having a rough afternoon and went into melt down. There was screaming, pounding, and the eventual dragging of him out of recess. Poor new girl probably thought she had entered the death zone. Challenge #5 - Math test. Multiplication. New girl hadn't been studying multiplication so far this year. She took the test and (after me telling her it wouldn't be a grade for her) she did her best.

Gosh, I hope the poor thing returns tomorrow!

Please Pray for Kelsey

I am enclosing an email and photo I received from my friend & neighbor. Patty & Andy’s daughter, Kelsey was taken by emergency c-section at only 31.5 weeks because doctors felt something was “wrong” and she would be safer outside the womb. Kelsey was born premature with her family to later learn that she has Down’s Syndrome, heart issues, and a myriad of other health problems that come with being a preemie. She is now facing open heart surgery with complications.

Please keep our friends in your prayers. The past seven weeks have been extremely rough for Kelsey, her parents, and her big brother (Keeton, age 3 ). The road ahead is difficult and dangerous. Patti is also dealing with some health issues that concern her as well.

When I asked Patti if it was okay for me to pass on her requests, she was thankful that I would ask others to join us in prayer. Feel free to pass this on to your prayer groups, church groups and friends. You may use the graphic above if you'd like to post a button on your blog.

I’ll keep you updated as I can.

Until then, thank you.
__________________________________________

Kelsey's not getting better, Wednesday and Thursday she started getting worse and Friday was very scary for us. We met the with the NICU team of nurses and doctors to discuss our options and at first, they wanted her to have open heart surgery ASAP. But the pediatric cardiologist thought she was too little and it would be too dangerous (meaning she wouldn't make it out of surgery). She spent the whole morning talking to us, the heart surgeons, and the NICU doctors trying to figure out what would be the best for Kelsey. The three problems with her heart I mentioned in the last email (PDA, VSD and ASD) were getting to be too much for her little body to handle. Her lungs and body were filling up with fluid and she was having a hard time breathing. On top of that her platelets were continuing to drop and she had to get platelets twice, once on Tuesday and then again on Friday. Friday they put her back in her incubator and back on IV fluids only and thought it best not to hold her. Then told us we needed to decide if we wanted to move her to "Hospital C" or "Hospital M" (changed for privacy reasons - there are two major pediatric hospitals in the area) and if we wanted to do surgery to only fix the PDA (it's on the outside of the heart) now and hope she improves so we can do open heart surgery when she bigger (at least 8 lbs) or do we want to risk doing open heart surgery now and fix them all (VSD and ASD are the holes in the heart). Another risk for the open heart is that putting you on the heart and lung pump burns platelets and she has a problem with making platelets. Needless to say, Friday and Saturday was a tough time for us trying to get all the info we need to make this decision. We did a lot of praying and talking to doctors and anyone else that could help us.

So, Saturday afternoon we decide to go with "Hospital M" (one of the hospitals which is closer to home) and plan on doing just the PDA surgery first, sometime this week. We've prayed about this decision and asked God to give us the wisdom to make the right decision and now we have to trust in Him to give us a peace about it. This has been one of the hardest decisions we have had to make. We don't know how this week will unfold but have to trust it's in God's hands. Kelsey will probably be moved to Hospital M (the new hospital) tomorrow (Monday morning). Then the heart surgeon and cardiologist will have to decide when her surgery will be for the PDA. Also, Hospital M has a pediatric hematologist that will also look at her and try to figure out what's going on with her blood ("Hospital P" where she's been didn't have ped. hematologist). We're also going to have a ped. liver doctor look at her because her liver is still too large and we have never gotten a good answer as to why. She will probably still be in the incubator and on IV fluids until they can get all this done.

Tuesday will be 7 weeks since she was born and we aren't much closer to getting her home. That's very discouraging to us but at the same time we are hopeful the change in hospitals, a new set of doctors looking at her and the surgery to close the PDA will make a BIG difference. We definitely need your prayers for Kelsey, both of us and big brother Keeton. It's been a long 7 weeks and we still have a long way to go.

Also, tomorrow I have my gallbladder function test at 11:30am. Pray we find the answers we need for me. Not the best timing for this gallbladder but God know how much we can handle and we are depending on Him more than ever for His strength, His peace and His hope to help us through all of this.

Thanks for your continued prayers and support!!!

Love,

Patti and Andy

Friday Fill-Ins

1. My car is FILTHY with dog hair, bird poop, dirt, and more.

2. Saturday is coming up next.

3. Lately, things seem busy.

4. Home in bed is one of my favorite 'hiding' places.

5. What happened is not always what really happened when you're hearing it from elementary kids. :)

6. Reaching your goals and finding your dreams is not impossible!

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to resting, shopping & cleaning, tomorrow my plans include in-laws coming in town and helping host/attending a baby shower and Sunday, I want to visit with my in-laws and go to my friend's 2nd baby shower!

Laziness Breeds Copying

I stole this from the blog of my longtime friend, Stephanie. Why? Because I'm lazy, and it's easier to steal something she stole from someone else than be creative myself. :)



1. Which is worse: a long, boring meeting or standing in a return/exchange line after Christmas?
I'd say boring meeting. At least while waiting in line I can people watch or use my phone for email, FB or whatever.

2. Except for maybe Rosie O’Donnell or Ann Coulter, nobody likes confrontation, yet we all have to deal with it. When you feel cornered and defensive, do you “bite back” or become passive aggressive?
Depends on who the agressor is in a given situation. I've been known to do both, and it's very easy to recognize which reaction I have at the time.

3. Do you know anything about your genealogical background? (What country, culture, ties to prominent historical figures, or other stuff.) I think I'm a mutt. I know I have Cherokee Indian and Scandinavian from my Dad's side. My mom's side is English, Scottish, and maybe some French or something. Author Mary Shelley is from my mom's side of the family.

4. What is the quickest way a person can endear him/herself to you?
Being open, honest, and sincere.


5. Cake, pie, cookies, or ice cream? (Note there is no “all of the above” option. You must choose one. Feel free to elaborate on flavor or memories tied to this dessert.) If you’d like, you can share a recipe, but you certainly don’t have to.
Pecan pie - with the pecans chopped (not whole) and Cool Whip on top - is my favorite. I don't really care for cake that much because I don't like icing. In fact, I asked Todd if we could have wedding pie instead of cake. (He obviously said no.) I love Blue Bell ice cream, but pie stays at the top of my list.

6. Females: Do you regularly change your handbag to coordinate with your outfit?
No, I don't really give a crap if my bag matches anything. All I care is that it carries all of my junk.

7. Are you task-oriented or relationship-oriented?
Definitely relationship-oriented. If you know me, you'd agree.

8. IHOP, Bob Evans or Cracker Barrel?
Guess I'd have to say IHOP because I have no clue who Bob Evans is & I've never been to a Cracker Barrel.


9. Have you ever left a movie in progress in a theater? Why?
No, but I should have since I've seen a few terrible films. I rarely go to the movies, so I'd hate to waste my money. Guess I'd prefer to be tortured by terrible movies instead.

10. What is one area of life in which you would like to develop more discipline or organization?
Just one?

11. Was middle school fun or painful?
A little of both. It was a tough time of life, but I was blessed with lots of friends.

12. What is your favorite Fall beverage?

I dunno. The same as any season I suppose - cold water or Dr. Pepper. I enjoy apple cider, but it is usually in the winter since Dallas isn't very cold until then.